"If something happens to me, you'll be contacted". Those were the last words I've heard from my mother. If she croaks, I will be given the courtesy of a phone call. From one of her Witness friends. Yay me.
A little back-story. My mother became a Jehovah's Witness in the early 80s. (She would cringe at that sentence...she always wanted it written as ONE OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES). What-ev. From the time I was 8, she became a good little Witness, doing her Bible study, door to door evangelizing, and regular meeting attendance, dragging me along in the process. She felt this was her life's mission, her calling, and that there was no other TRUTH but their TRUTH. Everyone else is doomed.
Fast forward a little bit...I turn 18. I feel like I'm on a permanent coyote date....where I have to chew off my arm to get away because the situation is so desperate. She's still forcing me to attend weekly meetings (3 of them), go door to door once or twice a week, and study in between. Her roof, her rules. I had to get away. Unfortunately, in one of the biggest regrets in my life, I didn't consider the effect this would have on my father. My rock, my support....I adored my dad. He was never a Witness, never even considered it. He just let her do with me as she wanted, and would only interfere if my health or welfare became compromised (such as if I needed a blood transfusion). In my haste to gain my independence and freedom, I ran out of the home as soon as I was legally able to sign a lease and pay rent. It broke his heart. I later learned that not only did my father cut off communication with my mother for a number of weeks, he also cried when I left home. If I could change anything...I would go back and stick it out a while longer. Make sure he was ok. And I would have BEGGED him to divorce her....get an apartment with me dad! Get away! But...hindsight and maturity weren't there at the time. So I cut and ran from home as fast as I could.
Fast forward a few more years....I'm married, have children, and life is good. I've always been told that you need to be good to your mother, you only have one, and you never know when she will be gone. I did my best to maintain a relationship with my mother-someone that I loved, but didn't necessarily like very much. Her love for me was very condtional....she never got over the disappointment that I rejected her religion and her God. She always knew the rules about how Witnesses want you to treat your children that reject the religion-you are to shun them. She saw, however, the relationship that her sister had with her own daughter who was in a similar situation. Her sister (my aunt) was a long time Witness. Her daughter had left the religion in her early 20s. They still had a relationship. The big difference was that her daughter never got baptized. I did...which was a huge mistake. At age 15, trying to make my mother and my aunt proud of me, I thought that was the best thing to do. I didn't realize it bound me for life to this organization, and would later cost me the relationship with my mother.
She notified me, sometime in 2010 or 2011, that she didn't want to have any more to do with me. The Watchtower organization was putting on the heat, telling all members to reject those they spent time with (family or not) that were not active Witnesses. She, of course, being a loyal member, followed their instructions and cut off contact with me. I once saw an email she wrote to a friend of hers...and it said "My only problem is my daughter. She keeps calling me". I thought....well let me relieve you of that PROBLEM then!
But, in early 2012 I got a phone call from my btother. Mom has cancer, she's in the hospital, don't know how bad it is. She's alone....brother lives out of state and can't come. Bring on the GUILT. Even though she rejected me...I couldn't let her die alone could I? What kind of daughter would I be? So I ran to the hospital, hugged her, doted on her...Did all I could for her. Helped her through her recovery as best I could...and the cancer went into remission.
A part of me, however, was still bitter about that rejection and so I decided to move to Arizona with my family. I no longer felt an obligation to take care of her in her old age like I had when I was younger, I was very hurt. She had let me know that I was not needed, but because of the cancer, I was weak and felt like I needed to help out.
We lost my brother in 2012. He was never a Witness, but had been raised around it. Because he never committed, he had a fair enough relationship with our mother. I was the one regarded as a Godless heathen for leaving. You see...once you know THE TRUTH, and reject it...it's so much worse than someone who doesn't know THE TRUTH. Of the two of us, I was definitely the big disappointment in that department. Once my brother passed away, I was the only child left.
We were on the phone frequently during his illness and subsequent passing. I felt like I needed to keep her informed of the development. She couldn't travel, and we were several states away. A week or two after he passed, I called her to check on her, and that's when she again made the request "Please don't contact me any more. You will be notified if something happens to me."
She has taken away any voice I would have as next of kin, so if she does become terminally ill...I have no say in the outcome. She has given that to some of the others in her religion, instead of her only child. The only thing I'll be allowed to do is clean out her apartment, when that time comes, I guess....I don't even know if that. She might have already arranged for one of "the brothers and sisters" in her Kingdom Hall to handle it.
Why air all of this now? I guess because it weighs on me. It's hard, because I know that not all of the family knows the situation....some of them may think it's me who rejected her. Some might think I'm just a shitty daughter. but that's not the case. I'm as loyal as they come...until I am told that I am not wanted. It's been hard....if I get a sense that a family member takes her side...I want to walk away from them too. "Well it's her belief, it's her religion, it's what she thinks is true and the right thing to do" was what two of my aunts told me once. Well I think it's bullshit.....it's a bullshit thing to do to turn your back on your child and your grandchildren. It's bullshit to chose your 'eternal reward' over your family.
I'm going to try to keep this blog funny and entertaining in the future...but I just needed to get this off my chest.
A little back-story. My mother became a Jehovah's Witness in the early 80s. (She would cringe at that sentence...she always wanted it written as ONE OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES). What-ev. From the time I was 8, she became a good little Witness, doing her Bible study, door to door evangelizing, and regular meeting attendance, dragging me along in the process. She felt this was her life's mission, her calling, and that there was no other TRUTH but their TRUTH. Everyone else is doomed.
Fast forward a little bit...I turn 18. I feel like I'm on a permanent coyote date....where I have to chew off my arm to get away because the situation is so desperate. She's still forcing me to attend weekly meetings (3 of them), go door to door once or twice a week, and study in between. Her roof, her rules. I had to get away. Unfortunately, in one of the biggest regrets in my life, I didn't consider the effect this would have on my father. My rock, my support....I adored my dad. He was never a Witness, never even considered it. He just let her do with me as she wanted, and would only interfere if my health or welfare became compromised (such as if I needed a blood transfusion). In my haste to gain my independence and freedom, I ran out of the home as soon as I was legally able to sign a lease and pay rent. It broke his heart. I later learned that not only did my father cut off communication with my mother for a number of weeks, he also cried when I left home. If I could change anything...I would go back and stick it out a while longer. Make sure he was ok. And I would have BEGGED him to divorce her....get an apartment with me dad! Get away! But...hindsight and maturity weren't there at the time. So I cut and ran from home as fast as I could.
Fast forward a few more years....I'm married, have children, and life is good. I've always been told that you need to be good to your mother, you only have one, and you never know when she will be gone. I did my best to maintain a relationship with my mother-someone that I loved, but didn't necessarily like very much. Her love for me was very condtional....she never got over the disappointment that I rejected her religion and her God. She always knew the rules about how Witnesses want you to treat your children that reject the religion-you are to shun them. She saw, however, the relationship that her sister had with her own daughter who was in a similar situation. Her sister (my aunt) was a long time Witness. Her daughter had left the religion in her early 20s. They still had a relationship. The big difference was that her daughter never got baptized. I did...which was a huge mistake. At age 15, trying to make my mother and my aunt proud of me, I thought that was the best thing to do. I didn't realize it bound me for life to this organization, and would later cost me the relationship with my mother.
She notified me, sometime in 2010 or 2011, that she didn't want to have any more to do with me. The Watchtower organization was putting on the heat, telling all members to reject those they spent time with (family or not) that were not active Witnesses. She, of course, being a loyal member, followed their instructions and cut off contact with me. I once saw an email she wrote to a friend of hers...and it said "My only problem is my daughter. She keeps calling me". I thought....well let me relieve you of that PROBLEM then!
But, in early 2012 I got a phone call from my btother. Mom has cancer, she's in the hospital, don't know how bad it is. She's alone....brother lives out of state and can't come. Bring on the GUILT. Even though she rejected me...I couldn't let her die alone could I? What kind of daughter would I be? So I ran to the hospital, hugged her, doted on her...Did all I could for her. Helped her through her recovery as best I could...and the cancer went into remission.
A part of me, however, was still bitter about that rejection and so I decided to move to Arizona with my family. I no longer felt an obligation to take care of her in her old age like I had when I was younger, I was very hurt. She had let me know that I was not needed, but because of the cancer, I was weak and felt like I needed to help out.
We lost my brother in 2012. He was never a Witness, but had been raised around it. Because he never committed, he had a fair enough relationship with our mother. I was the one regarded as a Godless heathen for leaving. You see...once you know THE TRUTH, and reject it...it's so much worse than someone who doesn't know THE TRUTH. Of the two of us, I was definitely the big disappointment in that department. Once my brother passed away, I was the only child left.
We were on the phone frequently during his illness and subsequent passing. I felt like I needed to keep her informed of the development. She couldn't travel, and we were several states away. A week or two after he passed, I called her to check on her, and that's when she again made the request "Please don't contact me any more. You will be notified if something happens to me."
She has taken away any voice I would have as next of kin, so if she does become terminally ill...I have no say in the outcome. She has given that to some of the others in her religion, instead of her only child. The only thing I'll be allowed to do is clean out her apartment, when that time comes, I guess....I don't even know if that. She might have already arranged for one of "the brothers and sisters" in her Kingdom Hall to handle it.
Why air all of this now? I guess because it weighs on me. It's hard, because I know that not all of the family knows the situation....some of them may think it's me who rejected her. Some might think I'm just a shitty daughter. but that's not the case. I'm as loyal as they come...until I am told that I am not wanted. It's been hard....if I get a sense that a family member takes her side...I want to walk away from them too. "Well it's her belief, it's her religion, it's what she thinks is true and the right thing to do" was what two of my aunts told me once. Well I think it's bullshit.....it's a bullshit thing to do to turn your back on your child and your grandchildren. It's bullshit to chose your 'eternal reward' over your family.
I'm going to try to keep this blog funny and entertaining in the future...but I just needed to get this off my chest.
